Honey Bun
by crazycar60
Summary: a talent show at the ER with snippets of Carby


A/N ok this is totally inspired by a recent show I did namely South Pacific I hated the show so I wrote this to cheer me up. It's a County General talent show sort of, just please read. if you don't like it tough, it was written for my enjoyment in mind.  
rating wise it is a 13 but there is a tiny bit of strong language if you are extra sensitive.  
  
Disclaimers don't own anything and never will so don't sue me as I have no money and very little time.  
  
"Ok as you all know the County charity talent show is coming up, and as usual the rules are the following,  
There must be at least 6 participants per entry  
Everyone must be from the same department  
Only one entry per department.  
Nothing x rated  
And the winning department gets $1000 to spend on improving their facilities. Everyone must be involved in either selling tickets or watering or something to do with the show. As you now the hospital hopes to raise around $1,000,000 through the show and the fancy dress ball which raised $432,000.   
So who has an idea that isn't the cell block tango from Chicago as radiology are doing it?"  
"What about a cover of a song?"  
"Susan we need to have at least 6 people on stage, so that would be difficult."  
"What about a song from another show?"  
"Like what though?"  
"Something from cats?"  
"Where are we going to get a load of decent cat costumes from?"  
"Fame?"  
"To obvious, and Susan you do a terrible impression of Coco."  
"Well what did you expect from someone who watches Fear Factor."  
"Don't push it John you can sleep comfortably on the couch."  
"What about something from the King and I?"  
"Good show but we can't pass for Siamese."  
"How about Honey Bun from South Pacific, I can just See John in drag."  
"No."  
"Aw come on we'd get loads of money, and us girls get to do a really cheesy dance routine, and Luka can't do it he's hosting the show."  
"What about Yosh or Malik or Gallant or Pratt."  
"They won't get the money you would, anyway honey it will keep you off the couch."  
"That's blackmail."  
"I know but it will work."  
"Ok I'll do it under one condition,"  
"What?"  
"I pick your costumes."  
"Only if someone can go with you."  
"Fine."  
"That's that settled, now who else is going to do it?"  
"Well Abby has to or John won't do it."  
"Ok I'll put all female nurses/doctors names into this mug and the first 5 I pick out will do the show no questions asked."  
"Susan."  
"Halleh."  
"Chuny."  
"Jing Mae."  
"Lydia."  
"Rehearsals are on Saturday's in the community centre on Franklin from 10-2pm you have 3 weeks and I'll make sure none of you will have shifts on those days."  
  
3 days later at the community Centre, they are watching a video of south pacific.  
"Great I'll have to wear a grass skirt and coconut bra."  
"You'll look cute, shame you're a bit tall."  
"Who's going to sing Nellie's part though at the beginning?"  
"Who can sing? Properly."  
"I can't."  
"We could have told you that."  
"Neither can I."  
"Nor me."  
"So that leaves, Abby, Chuny, and Deb."  
John the proceeds to set three upturned cups up with quarter under one of them while Abby, Chuny and Deb turn away.  
"Ok pick one and you each have to pick a different cup or this won't work. Whoever has the quarter under their cup will be singing the beginning bit. While I prance around in a grass skirt."  
All three pick a cup, and under Abby's is the quarter.  
"Guess it's me then. So you want to get started any one know the words?"  
"Yeah I got them off the Internet, Abby can learn the first bit at home but most of what you sing is as follows.   
A hundred and one pounds of fun  
That's my little honey bun  
Get a load of honey but tonight  
I'm speaking of my sweetie pie  
Only 60 inches high  
Every inch is packed with dynamite.  
Her hair is blonde and curly  
Her curls are hurly burly  
Her lips are pips I call her hips  
Twirly and whirly  
She's my baby I'm her pap.  
I'm her booby she's my trap,  
I am caught and I don't want to run   
Cause I'm having so much fun with honey bun.  
And that's the finish  
It's time to go for now the show is done  
we hope you liked us  
and we hope that when you leave your seats and run  
down to the mess hall  
you'll enjoy your dinner each and every one  
Save me some turkey!  
And put some chestnut dressing on our honey bun."  
"Any idea how to choreograph this kinda thing?"  
Everyone shakes their head bar Chuny.  
"I did this kinda thing when I was in collage."  
After that she got started with the huge task of co-ordinating everyone along with herself to the time of the music. It didn't take to long and fortunately for everyone especially John the dance steps weren't too hard to follow.  
  
Two Saturday's Later.  
Abby has learnt the beginning of the music and they are about to put the dance with the music.  
At the start of the rehearsal Susan kept singing the wrong words and someone would always forget something. Just before the end of rehearsal they finally got it right, everything happened when it should and every person hit their notes, abet them being a little bit squeaky in places.   
"So are we going to that costume shop by the mall to go find some costumes, oh and John just so you know you're paying for now, but we'll get Kerry to pay you back afterwards."  
"Why me?"  
"Because you're the only one who lives in a mansion."  
"I don't though."  
"Not anymore maybe, but you have more money than us."  
"So what are we looking for."  
"Well John needs a grass skirt and coconut bra."  
"Yeah well what about the rest of us."  
"In the film they wore small skirts and tight tops, and John's picking, but he should be limited as they have to be at least similar if not the same."  
  
Down at the Costume store John is complaining about the coconut bra being itchy, and the girls are trying on different skirts.  
"How about this one." Abby walks out of the changing room in a just above the knee blue skirt.  
"Too long and I don't thin you should wear blue, it's not you colour."  
"So what colour should I wear then Mr I'm so perfect in my grass skirt."  
"Red. You should wear red."  
"What about Susan, ,Chuny and Deb, Lydia and Halleh?"  
"They can wear blue, also it gives a contrast."  
"What about those skirts over there?"  
"John they aren't skirts they are belts."  
"No they aren't their skirts, and anyway you've all got nice legs, we might as well give the men in the crowd something to look for, also if one of the judges are male they are so going to be more appreciative."  
"Fine I'll try it on but if it's too short I'm not wearing it."  
"This skirt is so short."  
"No they aren't Abby stop complaining."  
"Yeah but yours are longer than mine."  
"Lets have a look."  
"Wow you look great."  
"No I don't I look fat."  
"No I look fat, you look great. That skirt isn't much shorter than the one you wore for the fancy dress ball anyway."  
"I couldn't help that, I also wore shorts underneath that skirt I can't under this because you'll see them."  
"Not if they're hot pant."  
"So Mr you decided on the tops yet?"  
"I think so, black strap tops and those cream military shirts tied at the front."  
"You really are going for the slutty nurses look aren't you."  
"Why not I can get away with it, and it's not like they're going to be looking at you that much, I'm in drag."  
Abby walks over to John and sits on his lap,   
"Aw poor ickle you. Never mind at least you can do it knowing you got to dress us all as sluts."  
"Oh I have one finishing touch for all of you."  
"What now?"  
"A huge flower to be put in your hair, the same colour as your skirt, and you'll all look great."  
"Fine now John go into that changing room and put on the grass skirt and coconut bra we've provided, along with the blonde wig, you can wear a huge flower in it too."  
"Hey anyone know when the dress rehearsal is?"  
"Next Saturday, and the shows on that night. It starts at 7."  
"Wow now that's what I call a cute drag queen."  
"John you look adorable, amusing but adorable."  
"I feel like a right twat. Can't I have something else instead of coconuts?"  
"No!"   
They left the costume shop about half an hour later after just generally messing around, complete with costumes from the flip flops for John's feet to the flowers in everyone's hair.  
  
The Dress rehearsal, they've roped Gallant in to play Commander Harbison, (as he already had the uniform.) so they get a good introduction. John is refusing to wear his costume until later as he wants it to be more of a surprise.  
"Ok one last time from the top. 1...2...3...4"  
"A hundred and one pounds of fun, that's my little honey bun........."  
"So that's it, last rehearsal over."  
"Yeah I doubt we'll win, neurology's so good."  
"I dunno they don't have john in a grass skirt, how many women do you know can resist that."  
"Hey hands off he's mine. Yeah well from what I've heard most people think he's going to be wearing a long dress or something, so they are so going to get a shock when they find out otherwise."  
"Well we're second from last so at least we won't have to get changed until the interval, it also means we can sit with the rest of the ER for the first half."  
"So be here for 6:30 and don't be late, and Abby, John I'm talking about you."  
"Why us?"   
"Hey don't play all innocent with us we know what you get up to in the "empty" exam rooms."  
"Ok fine we'll be here, just make sure no one forgets their costumes or we will be screwed."  
  
6:45 everyone's arrived on time and are sitting at the back of the hall waiting for a few other people to turn up. Nerves are rising but they are all still calm.  
"We are so going to be remembered for this."  
"No I am, and I'll bet people won't stop taking the piss out of me for it until I leave."  
"Well we're all proud of you, could you really see someone like Pratt do it?"  
"No he has more sense."  
"True but he's also up himself."  
"How many people will be here?"  
"Well this hall can hold 2,000, and from what I've heard it's sold out."  
"So how much are we going to raise tonight then?"  
"$25,000 from ticket sales and probably quite a bit from the bar. Also the voting system is as follows, the judges give a score at the end of the act, but to decide the winner the people in the audience have to donate at least $5 towards a department, and the department with the most money wins a prize. For the $1000 department prize though it's up to the judges. Whoever wins according to the money has to perform again though."  
"How do you know all this?"  
"Gamma told me, as she's helping to host the event."  
"I hope we don't win the money way then, I don't think I'll want to do it again."  
"Hey Kerry, you going to watch us?"  
"Yeah, and I've got a few temps covering the ER along with a few of the zombie shift doctors, they're on overtime."  
"Who else do you know is coming."  
"Most of the ER are apart from those on stage, and John's Grandma has sold loads of tickets, to some of her friends, apparently she wants people to see her grandson in drag, I don't know why. Anyone who can't make it though gets the chance to watch it on video as it's being filmed."  
"Abby, can you get off my leg, as Gamma's coming over, also I can't feel my foot anymore."  
"Hey are you calling me fat?"  
"No it's just you've been sat there for half an hour. Hi Gamma."  
"Hello, John , hello Abigail, are you ready for tonight's performance?"  
"As we'll ever be Millicent."  
"Anyway I can't stop I have to Algier he said he'd save me a seat near the front."  
John kissed Gamma on the cheek. "By Gamma."  
"Ooh on first name terms already."  
"Yeah she refused to let me call her Mrs Carter, I wish she wouldn't call me Abigail though, but I'm not complaining she accepts me and likes me which is more than what I thought would happen."  
"Shhhhh it's starting, who's first?"  
"Paediatrics."  
"Look Luka's introducing them."  
"Who's Judging?"  
"Christ is that Romano?"  
"Yeah along with Anspaugh, a couple of other people on the hospital trust board, and Mr Williams from Mercy."  
"Shh!"  
  
Interval. The nerves are starting to get to the performers so Abby and John go to the bar to get a last round of drinks before they have to go and get changed.  
"Can I have 3 beers, a Bacardi and coke, 7 sodas, and a martini."  
"Hey Abby."  
"Richard, What the hell are you doing here?"  
"I'm doing my bit for charity, also Mr Williams is my mentor from Mercy."  
"Oh Richard this is John, I think you met at that charity event at the museum."  
"Oh your friend."  
"Yeah but now he's my boyfriend. Where's your wife?"  
"She's at home, she wasn't feeling very well. So I hear your in the sketch for the ER."  
"Yeah, and anyway we've got to go now, our friends will want their drinks and we need to get changed. Bye."  
"Yeah I'll see ya."  
"God that man annoys me."  
"Now remind me why did you marry him again?"  
"I don't know? I was young, and wanted to change my name."  
"Fair enough."  
"Ok here are your drinks, we going backstage to get changed?"  
"Yeah sure."  
"I don't want to do this anymore."  
"Tough you've got to"   
"Where else are we going to find a man willing to dress up in drag at this time."  
"If you quit, I'm leaving too."  
"Fine I won't I'll put up with the ridicule for you lot."  
"Ready."  
"As we'll ever be."  
"May I introduce to you now the ER's rendition of Honey Bun, from South Pacific."  
Gallant walks on, looking mighty fine in his army uniform. "And now a song by bosom butch Forbush and that siren of the coral sea Luther Billis, and company."  
Abby walked on to the cheers as she started to sing.  
"My doll is as dainty as a sparrow,  
her figure is something to applaud.  
Where she's narrow she's as narrow as an arrow.  
And she's broad where a broad ought to be broad.  
A hundred and one pounds of fun  
That's my little honey bun  
Get a load of honey but tonight  
I'm speaking of my sweetie pie  
Only 60 inches high  
Every inch is packed with dynamite.  
Her hair is blonde and curly  
Her curls are hurly burly  
Her lips are pips I call her hips  
Twirly and whirly"  
John walks on to raptures applause and whistling. Abby tries so hard not to laugh but carries on anyway   
"She's my baby I'm her pap.  
I'm her booby she's my trap,  
I am caught and I don't want to run   
Cause I'm having so much fun with honey bun."   
The others walked on behind as they carried on with the song.  
"A hundred and one pounds of fun  
That's my little honey bun  
Get a load of honey but tonight  
I'm speaking of my sweetie pie  
Only 60 inches high  
Every inch is packed with dynamite.  
Her hair is blonde and curly  
Her curls are hurly burly  
Her lips are pips I call her hips  
Twirly and whirly  
She's my baby I'm her pap.  
I'm her booby she's my trap,  
I am caught and I don't want to run   
Cause I'm having so much fun with honey bun.  
And that's the finish  
It's time to go for now the show is done  
we hope you liked us  
and we hope that when you leave your seats and run  
down to the mess hall  
you'll enjoy your dinner each and every one  
Save me some turkey!  
And put some chestnut dressing on our honey bun."  
As they finished and took their bow, the auditorium exploded, and even Romano was laughing.  
  
Backstage, all participant were required to stay in costume but they were free to mingle in the audience until the judging was over.  
"I'm taking this wig off."  
"Fine but remember where you put it. Oh by the way John you were great."  
"As were you."  
"We going to go and get another drink?"  
"Yeah sure, as long as I get to say hi to Gamma."  
"Hi Gamma."  
"John you look ridiculous, can't you get changed?"  
"Sorry orders are I have to stay in costume until after the judging."  
"Anyway you were great, I still can't believe you did it though."  
"I was blackmailed, but it was so much fun, I also got to dress everyone else in our sketch."  
"So that was why Abby was wearing a belt and a very low cut top. I knew she had a better taste in clothes."  
"It was my way of getting my own back."  
"Well done, and I'll see you before I go."  
"Ok bye Gamma."  
"Hey John, John Carter right?"  
"Yeah who's speaking?"  
"Claire we met at a charity event once. I just want to say congratulations on you performance, and to ask if you wanted a drink."  
"Well thanks, but if you don't mind I'll decline the drink as my girlfriends got me one waiting, anyway nice to meet you again Claire."  
"Bye John."  
"I never thought I'd see the day where Romano was laughing at something that wasn't one of his bad jokes."  
"Yeah well."  
"Damnit there's the bell calling us backstage."  
"Good luck."  
"It's a bit late for that but thanks anyway."  
"Ok first the winners of the Judges competition. 3rd place is the ER, 2nd place psychology and 1st place Neurology, with their rendition of Monty Python."  
"However according to the audience the sketch they most want to see is that of the ER. I'm pretty positive it is so we can see Dr Carter in that delicate grass skirt again. So by request may I introduce to you one last time, the ER's rendition of Honey Bun."  
"SHIT."  
"Ok stay calm, and off we go."  
  
Monday at work.  
"Hey John, do you know what our prize is yet?"  
"No, is Kerry here yet?"  
"She's not on for another half an hour, but she's called a meeting in the lounge at noon. Oh and one last thing, nice costume."  
"Hey thanks Lily."  
  
Noon  
"Ok as you all know on Saturday night, John and his girls won the audience's vote, although that means we didn't get the $1000, we did however win something. Free tickets to the cinema for a month for every person and for the 8 involved a free meal and overnight stay, at a hotel of your choice in Chicago. Just so you all know, from the votes alone the ER raised $100,000. That's how desperate they were to see John in drag again."  
"Lastly before you go back to work I'd like to say how proud I am of you all. Also thank you so much for kicking surgery's butt. Now back to work." 


End file.
